Please don’t do this.

As you may know, my name is Sam Gold, and I’ve been interning here this year. You may not know that I also run a startup on the side—Yumvelope. Yumvelope is a monthly natural snack delivery service, and is currently a one-man operation. As I created the service and don’t have any employees, I go by Founder. Owner, president, or even CEO would also be acceptable. Here’s are some titles that are not acceptable:

• Chief Happiness Officer
• Chief Snackologist
• Chief Selection Philosopher
• Web Development Ninja
• Chief Imagination Officer
• Head Honcho
• Top Dog (also, Top Dawg)
• Director of First Impressions
• Marketing Rockstar
• Corporate Magician

I could go on, but I’m done ranting for the day. Thanks for listening.